No Rewards

In Soto Zen Buddhism, "practice" refers both to sitting in meditation and then taking that stability and serenity off of the cushion into general life. At least I can say for me that sitting is almost always stable and serene, but it is not always so. Nor should it be...

Quote from The Heart of Wisdom Sutra

Abundantly obsessed with worry over Dad and The People who intrude on my peace of mind, when I sat at the temple yesterday morning, I was having terrible trouble being present in the moment. After sitting on Tuesdays, I have dokusan (which is basically a meeting with my teacher who asks, "How is your practice?").

My practice has gone from sporadic to utterly non-existent. While I was doing my zazen (seated meditation), I chastised myself for everything from my posture on the cushion to thinking too much, to how open my eyes should be to not being present. Basically I was making up issues to fret over that would keep from worrying about what needed to be worried about: me. And for the sake of what?

My teacher has a habit of asking good questions like that. He let me talk it over, asking gentle - and sometimes harsh - questions to help me figure it for myself. And it came down to this: I was worrying about everything in sight because I had this notion that worrying was actually productive. I thought maybe if I wasn't worrying about Dad (or whatever), I wasn't devoting my attention to it and was therefore not helping. The answer I came up with for myself was that probably all Dad has really wanted from me since my birth is for me to take care of myself. To not be troubled, to not worry. All this worry and fretting and brooding helped absolutely nobody ... and for the sake of what?

I am not a drama queen. I get no secondary gain from suffering or stress. By the end of dokusan, I had a lighter step and a freer heart. How to help Mom and Dad and Bryan and everyone else? Take care of myself. Be dedicated to my practice. Honour my commitments to myself. Quit the counter-productive. Be proactive, not reactive.

Do not reward myself for worrying.