I read somewhen, somewhere, that schizophrenics who are locked in dysphoria or psychosis tend to recreate mandalas to recover some sort of psychic center. Whether this is manifested as artwork (like my doodle), or just pacing in agitated circles, the desire to claim stability leaks out as a pattern that is, for the moment, holy.
The last few days of rain have been difficult. While Dad rests easy and does therapy in Tuscon (everything went well), I am home without parents who are a large part of my support system. I've been listless and down. Everything in the universe seems to be wrapped in protective bubble. Life seems plastic and unreal.
Part of it is the rain. It is monsoon season, and the beginnings of autumn blossom from thunderstorms. As much as I really enjoy daily deluges and cooler nights, my mood is affected by the gloom. The malaise of the sky mirrors my own general disinterest in everything around me. This is why I haven't blogged in almost a week. I sit and stare, but my pen remains still, and my mind remains empty.
To ease the ennui, I doodle and colour. I work on a scrapbook for my best friend. I contemplate all the things I'd do with this building, pent-up energy when it finally spurts out as volcanic creativity. I read other blogs and wish I could pull together this energy and button it over my chest.
What a lovely post. Your zen-dala is lovely and colorful!
ReplyDeleteYou have had a very difficult few weeks, filled with stress and anxiety. I understand feeling dissasociated--I caannot truly imagine how hard it must be.
I am glad that you work on your art and post your thoughts online. It's good to feel connected and less alone, even by electric threads.
I know the empty feeling, but I think that you are actually quite full, what with everything going on. I feel full, my fingers and brain are so bloated that I cannot more them. so I drive to the recycling center and look at old books.
Keep writing when you can friend. And when you don't, I know that the slow cooker is working on something profound.
hugs,
Lorifishes
Thank you for your wonderful connection to my mind through blogging. I recently told Bryan he should start a blog for the same reason. Sometimes the thoughts we put on paper are very different from what we express out loud. Your kindness, friendship, and encouragement have kept me going! Thank you so much, Lori.
ReplyDeleteYou have brightened my day twice!
ReplyDeleteI have so much difficulty speaking, it is a horrible constipation. I am grateful for a quiet and safe place to write.
It is a blessing to share with a kindred spirit. If just one person understands the world is less bleak and lonely.
What did people use to do? Write letters? Goodness! If only my brain could spell check!
im sorry i cant write anything eloquent at the moment, but know that everytime you are staring blankly at a notebook or a wall, i probably am too. It is comforting to me to know that I am not alone in my experiences. I like your mandala. And I miss you.
ReplyDeleteXx Bec
Awwww. I miss you, too, Bec! Hang in there.
ReplyDelete