Hello all!
I don't have a fabulous picture or collage this time, because my creative juices have not been flowing. If you are dead set on eye candy, visit "The Number Garden" on Tumblr for edgy, off the wall pics. I'm sure one of them might convey the way I'm feeling right now.
My pshrink has reduced my secondary anti-psychotic in hopes that I will achieve more REM sleep, but that has left me hazy and In My Head most of the time. Some days it just feels like there's no fixing this thing upstairs that rattles my days and makes my nights horrifying.
I did find a sleeping pill that actually helps me sleep almost uninterrupted through the night, but it wasn't on the insurance formulary, and so I had to wait for a prior authorization from the doc and the insurance. After 2 weeks of no sleep (except for every 3rd day because I was so exhausted, and then only for a few hours), my insurance finally pushed the medicine through ... and VOILA! sleep!
The only problem is that I like to watch things like The Walking Dead or a Joss Whedon movie during the day. Now every time I close my eyes ... zombies! And they're eating me alive and then I die and it blacks out and starts over again. Unfortunately, this usually happens when there's no one else in the house to comfort me, so I'm getting my ass kicked by dead things and things that want me dead every waking moment. Sleep is the blissful interlude, but I find it is hard to wake and that the pill has me sleeping around 12 hours a night.
Off I go into the spiral of delusions and paranoia about death. My therapist doesn't want to talk about this, and tells me denial is how most people get through their days. I argued that denial keeps me dissociative and numb to the moment and the world around me. So I have been isolating myself to the nth degree, avoiding situations which cause me stress and discomfort. Since I have school during the week, this is proving difficult. I have a research paper due at the end of November. Just the thought of it stresses me out. Where to go from here?
