30MIAC Day Two. Question: How do you feel about your diagnosis?
This is a quicksand question. When I try to decide how it makes me feel, I feel a plethora of emotions around those feelings. And then I question my feelings.
For example: "I hate it! It took my life away!" is technically true in its own way, but isn't actually fair because along with it came different advantages and disadvantages (which we'll encounter in Day 4). It would not be PRECISE to say I hate it. In a way, I am perversely proud of it. I have lived through so much that I find myself more open minded about different ideas -- from philosophy to disability -- but it is not precise to say "I'm proud," either.
I'd rather not have schizophrenia at all, frankly.
BUT it has been with me for so long, I don't know if I have any sense of Selfhood without it, and this is problematic. I've got an illness-based identity, which is more crippling (if you really think about it) than just having a illness. I can't say I'm at any extremes (not even an extreme middle point of view) when it comes to the emotive intake of my diagnosis.
I have come to a place I squirm to think I am at: I'VE ACCEPTED IT.
Some people would rejoice to reach such a landing point. I don't, and I'll tell you why. I've lost hope of ever getting out of it, of ever recovering. I feel SAFE inside my bubble of madness. And friends, that's dangerous.
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