So as usual, I'm a bit late on this one ...
Day 1. Question: What is/are your mental illness(es)? Explain it a little.
As of the DSM V, I have "general schizophrenia," though when I was originally diagnosed in 1994 (under the weight of the DSM IV), I was beaten by the phrase "chronic, undifferentiated schizophrenia." My pshrink told me "undifferentiated" stood out because, although I exhibited symptoms of all the other subtypes, I seemed not to prefer one over the other (i.e. I was just as paranoid at times as I was likely to be catatonic or disorganized). And so began my journey of labels and disability forms ... even though the DSM V dropped the subtypes after much discussion.
(As a side note, I'm a bit glad of the subtype drop. It means others who have gotten the delightful 'Grab Bag O' Mental Illness (you don't want it; there's nothing good in there), can be treated as specifically or generally as suits our needs. I'm told it also makes the billing easier for insurance companies - for those of us who are lucky enough to have such a thing as insurance - even if the meds that work for us are not in our specific category of our diagnostic "subtype." And I like the idea that we are all on a SPECTRUM, which opens the dialogue of diag-nonsense to include other factors.)
But back to the business of diagnosis.
What does the word "schizophrenia" even mean?? (I could go on about Greek word roots here, but I won't. If you're that interested, Google it.) Most people think schizophrenia means Multiple Personality Disorder (or Dissociative Identity Disorder, for those of you who keep up with the times). But it's not. Sadly, I have only this one, dilapidated, boring personality. Sorry, folks. What it does mean is that I get hallucinations (of all sorts: audio, visual, oral, olfactory, and tactile), paranoia and delusions. I'm not "split" from myself. I am split from reality.
Like most schizophrenics, I am often confused about what is really going on around me in the real world, in real time. (For some, this even happens when on all the right meds and with all the right therapy.) For example, when it's dark, I sometimes hallucinate lights passing me, like headlights on a nighttime highway. Or I'll hear whispering, and no matter who is whispering or what is actually being said, I automatically assume it's negative ... and has something to do with me. (I can't speak for everyone, but I am very egocentric in this way.) I hear and see and feel the touch of celebrities in grandiose proportions, but then become paranoid and attach delusional narratives to it that usually run along the lines of, "I hate Sue. I hate her and I think she's ugly." Again, the ego-centrism!
I've been told that, from the outside, my psychosis looks like I'm "tripping on acid." The fact is, I've never taken LSD. I've never even seen LSD. When I am in psychosis, it's like I have blinders on. A myopic tunnel vision that excludes everything except the circus in my head. It is a tornado of chaotic obsessions, and sorting it out becomes a clusterfuck of rules.
Some days, The People In My Head are much more important than remembering to eat, or change out of my pajamas. I hone in on their worlds, and I can't escape the sticky spiderwebbing of their comments and invasions. It's only when someone points out that I am talking/laughing/screaming at The People that I become - and seriously, let's all talk about this, because I don't know if anyone ever has - I become EMBARRASSED. My stomach clenches up. I freeze and turn alarming shades of red. I've been caught! They've called me out! What's worse is that they (probably) just heard everything I uttered. Even worse than THAT is the fact that whoever heard me is real, real, REAL - inescapably so. And I can't undo it. I can't "rewind" or "erase" their memories the way I seem to be able to with The People In My Head! It's not a pleasant experience. It's almost exactly like being caught masturbating. Sure, the activity might've been perfectly normal to you, but HOLY SHIT! ... Right? (So be kind, dear reader, when you see or hear someone responding to invisible enemies or friends. It's not done for your benefit ... and sometimes, we just can't help it.)
There're some posts I've already made in this blog to describe it from the inside ("Almost There", or "The good news is it isn't fatal. The bad news is it's chronic" or "How it feels to be nobody"). I re-read them yesterday (I hadn't read them since I wrote them back in 2011!), and I guess I did an okay job describing the experiences. I'll let my words skip too much repetition, even for so worthy a cause as Mental Illness Awareness.
I write that last phrase with a little trepidation, but also with hope, because I think if you really care about this (and it is something about which I care very passionately), you will read more than just today's blog post, more than just this blog in general, and more than just the biased, reported opinions of newscasts on your TV set. This stuff is everywhere, and in an age of information and global connectedness, you should look beyond your own scope at mental illness. Yes, it might scare you, but isn't that all the more reason to learn about it and be informed?
Hats off to Marci and her blog-savvy crusade against stigma! Hats off to every blogger who has taken up the challenge since then, and to each one who will do so in the future! And hats off to YOU, gentle reader, for staying tuned to read our clumsy attempts to describe situations and crises language seems to have no words for.
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