I've been frustrated lately. Really, really frustrated. I drew this image, as it popped into my head while Bryan was discussing his novel. I've been distracted by my own thoughts and moods, and can't seem to get outside of them. I can't poke my head through the tiny hole I've made for reality. I always seem to make my outlets much too large and real life way too small.
So I took a break. My best friend flew in from California, and we had two weeks of just sitting next to each other (sometimes quietly talking), while each was absorbed in her own tasks. This is where the interesting hair on this picture came from. I've had bursts of creativity, and more and more of a foul mood when dealing with the world around me. It was nice just having someone sit with me, even if we said nothing. I even began the arduous task of crocheting my first pair of socks!
But everything else suffered.
I discovered that tension displays itself in my jaw. I clench up into near teeth-grinding over things. And then come the headaches. And then I wonder where the heck my real self is gone, lost as it is in a miasma of phantasy and refracted reality.
When I came back to the world from my self-imposed sabbatical, I discovered a nice article by a blogger named "Bad Cripple" had been pinned to my social networking wall ... by my awesome friend Lori, who must be psychic. (P.S. You should read his blogs!) The article was on disability and identity. Down by the corner at the end of his wonderful little rant was an online quiz for Asperger's Syndrome. Being the naturally curious type, I took it. My scores in the Asperger spectrum were quite high, but what if it was a simple problem of the internet not being able to factor in severe schizophrenia? Here is my score sheet:
Noted, this test also showed me as "gifted" in the explanatory pages that followed. Always when I get a gifted score, my faith in said test is undermined. I feel utterly out-of-sync and unable to do the smallest things. But is my frustration part of a deeper neurological disorder?
*Deep thanks to the folks who created this "Final Version 2" quiz, and to Lorifishes, who always knows just what to say.
Sorting out AS and schizophrenia can be very difficult, even for experts. I don't think the quiz took that into account.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the quiz gave you some insight. It never hurts to explore questions about yourself. :)
I am loving the art. Very beautiful.
E's family is here from Russia. Papa Sasha, Tanya, and Andrei say "Privyet!" :)
Happy Day!
Lorifishes
Thank you, Loriness of the Lori People. I needed to hear that schizophrenia is hard to discern from AS. That relieves me a bit, as a dual diagnosis isn't a thought I feel like entertaining at this point. I think I will share my quiz results with my pshrink, and see what he says. He is also a neurologist, so maybe he'll have a sharper tool to dissect me than a 30 minute, online quiz. Your support and encouragement mean the world to me! I am glad you are my friend.
ReplyDeleteTell Papa Sasha, Mama Tanya, and Andrei I said "счастливый день!"