"I've hit rock bottom ..." and here's the update

There was a teeny weeny baby lizard outside my door yesterday. In my attempts to shoo it away from the door (my dog eats lizards), it ran inside. It escaped from what seemed like a threat into a place where it would almost certainly be killed. We humans are like this with our own minds. Out of fear, we choose to “escape” into a place that serves us even less. Our coping skills for danger remain long after the threat is gone, whether they still work for us or not. We ingrain them as knee-jerk responses when we feel trapped or afraid. Those responses can be a detriment to our health, but endlessly we repeat them anyway. What is familiar is “safe” – even when it’s not. This idea sparks debates ranging from politics to morality, from warfare to mental illness.

But it’s true. It’s true, and you know it.

The problem is human: knowing it intellectually is not the same as the ability to avoid it. And so it has been with me in my dissociative, delusional, daydreamy mind. I still had the baby-killing/fantasy man movie playing inside my skull every night like a bad film noir. I snuggled against a pillow and tried to name the feelings. “This is grief,” I said. And at the same moment it passed my lips, I felt it disconnect. That wasn’t it. It wasn’t right.

I knew an EMDR session was due, and I came up with the negative cognition for the week: I am the dutiful daughter. I am afraid to grow up and embrace adulthood.

Lying on the therapy couch, my therapist instructed several deep breaths. As I relaxed, the secret came to me: there is a small, frightened, traumatized girl in my mind who needs to be taken care of. It’s NOT an actual child; it is myself as a child … who has been beaten, who has been raped … who has been through a hell too terrible to process all at once. She thinks she is dead, and I know she needs nurturing.

The entire EMDR session focused on this amazing little-girl-survivor and her role in my stunted emotional development. I was scared to grow up because I thought I would have nothing to nurture. In fact, I kept me small and powerless just so I had something to take care of.

And the metaphorical job of Fantasy Man? He is a reminder of a pattern I follow that no longer serves me (if it ever did). You see, I have a habit of picking the most wounded man on the planet and then call it “love”, in hopes I can save him. The ugly truth of the world is that I can’t save anyone but myself. My scared and scarred little Self. When I try (see posts about Bryan and the troubles therein), *I* don’t get nurtured. There ends up being no reciprocity in my relationships and that destroys them.

My therapist and I ended EMDR with the reinforced image of my Child Mind meeting my Adult Mind. Child Mind has the innocence and the opportunity to see “growing up” as an ADVENTURE. Adult Mind has the hands and the power to make that adventure REALITY.

We don’t have to be afraid. This song lyric doesn’t have to be true:

“Your refuge turns you captive all the same.” – Duran Duran

30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge: Day Eight

Question: At what age were you diagnosed? At what age do you think your symptoms began?

 

I’m going to answer this question backward (as is my inalienable right as a willing participant), because my brain is malfunctioning lately and these things seem to happen outside of chronological order for me when I write in this condition.

Like every kid, I had imaginary friends. The difference between my friends and I was that I would talk to these imaginary pals openly, in front of everyone, up until the age of … well, I guess I never stopped. That’s the chief difference: mine didn’t go away. When others’ imaginary friends “moved away” or “disappeared” or lost their “magic”, mine continued in intensity and frequency. (Except the ones who died. For example, I watched “Katy” burn to death when I was 4, and even my older sister couldn’t convince me it didn’t happen and wasn’t real. It was extremely graphic – especially for my age – and I was a bit emotionally scarred by it. But this is another story.)

I’ve been talking to The People in My Head since I began to talk. I have no idea when this all began. It’s always been a part of, a piece of who I am, like an arm or a freckle. Around the age of 12 or 13, I started to believe I could see ghosts. I was special because I could communicate with the dead. Even celebrities joined in the mix. By the time I was 14, I was totally lost and batshit off-the-wall delusional. Three sheets to the wind psychotic. I lost my “real” friends (the few I had), because there was just no relating to me and the nonsense babbling I did about the chaos of my mind. I spent 5 years in the hole of schizophrenia without a diagnosis. My parents searched the house frantically for any drugs I might be taking, but of course found none. (I was actually so clean it hurt. I never had a big attraction to drugs, though I did try pot a few times in high school. All it did was make me paranoid, and I couldn’t understand why people deliberately made themselves paranoid and delusional, so I left it as a novel footnote to my existence. I pursued drugs no farther than that. Just in case you were wondering.)

Just a few days shy of my 19^th birthday, my mother drew a proverbial “line of death” in the sand of our household. It was demanded I see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with “schizophreniform” almost immediately. He gave me an anti-psychotic. It made me tired, but

THE WORLD WENT QUIET.

The official diagnosis of full-on schizophrenia followed in 6 months.

PTSD took a little longer. I had no memories of what I had endured as a teen (either because I was so out of it with the Crazies, or because the truth of it was too terrible, or a combination of the two). When I finally found a therapist I could trust, I opened up. This was about 2 years ago now, and she told me I did indeed suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

GAH.

It’s so sad to me, because I was so smart! I could’ve done almost anything! I could’ve BEEN almost anything! So here’s a poem I wrote some time ago that sums up some of my despondency over What Might’ve Been:

"The Sense of Senselessness"

You had too many faces in the first place.

You moved too quickly.

You had me neatly packed into you.

Your calloused fingers were nastily possessive from the start.

I was tied too tightly to the ligature of your doubt

so no one could pull us apart.

Now without you, I splinter into anonymity,

as if someone spliced through my ocean

but the water of me is undeterred.

I belong to no one.

I am no longer cohesive,

my holy seal broken

as you seethe and break in tantrums and traumas.

You used to be the air all around me,

but now I am too big for toys.

Seeking out my center

I have given you away, removed you from my diameter.

But here is a turning point,

a twist in the plot:

however sleep comes,

we still glide together

where the ice in your iris contracts

where you make more black space for hatred.

Your light was ingratiating and I folded like ash beneath its boot.

You’ve never been fair.

Like me, you’ve grown beyond opposites.

I was two halves of a single snapshot, imposed

by your impartial retina.

I split in the center of your eye.

Your image is stenciled in the black of my typeface,

an optical illusion.

And if I thought the world was equally weighted,

I would have measured myself

by my name tag.

And if I paid deferment to a deity,

I may have hidden behind my incomes and outcomes.

But no one ever wins a war between two.

My god! You were always in me.

 

Falling Behind

I've been busy and I need to blog soon. I need to blog soon. I need to blog soon. I need to ...